HUMOR

John Henshell internal communications sample: employee engagement

(fake employee promotion in April Fool’s issue)

IZZY FURIAL PROMOTED TO DM

lzzy Furial has been promoted to DM in Margaritaville, Minnesota. He has operated SA 13 in Funkytown for the past three years. Before coming to Boyds, lzzy was left-handed wicket picker for Willie’s Willow Cricket Wickets and Picket Signs for two years. He says his knowledge of wickets and widgets made it very easy for him to learn to repair equipment in the field.

Before picking wickets, lzzy was a star athlete at the University of California at Venice Beach. He earned a B.S. in basket weaving and plastic grass making. lzzy prefers to think of it as blend, rather than a dual major. lzzy was a wide receiver and punter on the UCVB football team. His coach, D’Orian “Wink” Grey, said he ran his routes well, and he was great at kicking into the coffee corner. lzzy was coached by Wink’s brother, Earl, on the baseball team. He threw a steaming 92 MPH fastball, and his repertoire also included a hook, line, and sinker. The steaming pitcher played with the famous New York Mets prospect, Skid Finch who throws a 168 MPH fastball. lzzy was also a track star, and won a French Medal in the 1987 Olympics.

Soupy Sales, lzzy’s DM in Funkytown, says that lzzy’s great strength on SA 13 was getting new business. He converted Funky Business, 3² Meals, and Winkerbean and Whatsizname, a big office account, to Boyds coffee. Funky Business previously carried Voyeurs coffee, but lzzy’s demos convinced them they were ready for the real thing. Soupy was very impressed that lzzy only lost one account, Jimmy’s Buffet, during the recent Starbux fire sale (April 1-March 31). Some people claim there’s a woman to blame, but lzzy thinks it could be his fault. Clara Carton, lzzy’s RN in Region XIII, says he was very healthy while running SA 13.

lzzy’s hobby is washing dishes, which has made him very popular with some of his customers. He also enjoys writing, and once won an SA contest at UCVB (WB). lzzy has an Irish Setter named Red who loves Crémy Irish Delight coffee. “You should see Red waggin’ his tail when I bring some home,” he says. lzzy and Red plan to go fishing in all 10,000 of Minnesota’s lakes. However, lzzy admits Red isn’t much of a hunting dog. He’s still searching for his outlaw shaker of Seasoning Supreme.

lzzy’s district in Margaritaville covers SA 969, Lake Wobegon, where all the children are above average; SA 987, Young America, where everyone gets rebates on their coffee purchases; SA 991, which includes Minnetonka, where they make Tonka toys, and Montevideo, where they make video games. lzzy is eager to increase business in the Margaritaville market, and hopes that the Minnesotans are as receptive to his closing tines as the people in Funkytown. For example, when lzzy asks for a hot chocolate sale, he tells the customer, “Take a powder.”